Underneath the mask
I think it's a classic tale, the single lady that's terrified of how alone she is. I can't help it though, I can act all I want, but at the end of the day, I'm wishing someone was there with me. Although, meet me during the day and you'd never know it. I'm the go-getter. The feminist that loves her guy friends but prides herself in not needed a man.
I recently decided to join the United States Air Force, and am currently in the Delayed Entry Program. I sometimes wonder if that will only further my single-ness. It must, at the moment investing in a relationship is more useless. I'll go off to Basic in just a couple months and then I'm Active. And I moved away from the life I spent the last 4 years building and moved home. Just to be reminded why I left. I was heartbroken and decided to move back in with my Mother.
Oddly, I don't feel any better. I just want a drink and a cigarette and call it a day/night. That's all I've wanted to do since moving away so I'll stop drinking all the time. But dear goddess, what I wouldn't do for a good mixed drink right now.
I'm terrified I'll end up like a woman I once knew. She was 34, with one failed marriage and one kid. She spent everyday in bed, in her pajamas. A bottle of wine and a bottle of rum always at hand. She always seemed to be crying, usually over movies. Always in hit-n-miss relationships, a mix between her trust/commitment issues and her inability be satisfied and the type of men that found her. I used to think she was pathetic, I met her when I was younger and thought that everyone should be okay all the time. Now I find myself crying over T.V. shows, commercials and sometimes for no reason. Getting out of bad relationships just to cry over them too. Wanting to hide from everyone but wishing so badly I didn't feel like I had too.
Maybe I'm pathetic too. Maybe I'll still be in this gray place when I'm in my 30's. Only I'll have a career and a purpose. Or maybe I'll be one of those tragic success stories you read about in Cosmo. A young, single, successful woman off's herself due to feeling lonely. I think right now, I might just be in a dark place. I know for sure it's the loneliest I've ever felt. I guess I'm to old to be so easy to forgive and forget, which is sad because I'm to young to feel so worn. They say you're only as old as you feel, if that's the case, I hope I'll feel young one day soon.
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